With the holidays almost here, I wanted to share a few WISE words with you about being a parent. Once upon a time in a place not too far away, we parented in communities with the accumulated wisdom of generations of family members available to us. Today we parents are more isolated, often relying on the wisdom of a blog like this, a quick coffee with a neighbor or, if we’re lucky, a PTA program that doesn’t interfere with soccer practice. The fact remains, however, that parenting is a job that comes without an employee handbook, health benefits or a cubicle – unless you count being stuck in a tiny gas station bathroom with a car sick-3-year old – so, for many of us, parenting books have helped to fill the gap.
In 2013, give yourself the gift of wisdom and use those bookstore gift cards to get something that your whole family will benefit from – and remember, as you stock your library, that parenting is not a science – it’s an art. – Happy Holidays from WISE Mind Solutions
Here are my three (current) favorite:
Raising Children Who Think for Themselves by Elisa Medhus, M.D.
This book by Elisa Medhus, parent of five and eternal optimist, focuses on the impact of raising children to be realistic problem solvers, internally-directed by their own reasoning and moral compass. It offers lots of examples and practical strategies to apply right now to change the course of your family! This is super important in our world where external directions, such as tv, the internet, Facebook and YouTube present an all-you-can eat buffet of messages!
The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Seigel, M.D.
This book, by fellow “brain geek” Dan Siegel, offers a reader-friendly guide to fostering your child’s emotional intelligence. The examples and strategies offer tips you can use right away in everyday situations to help your child understand their brain and to learn the power of integration. You will love this book if you are trying to figure out some of the “whys” behind your child’s behaviors.
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, Ph. D.
This book by John Gottman, a family-dynamic expert, equips parents with a five-step emotion process that teaches kids to understand and regulate their emotional world. This process allows for both teaching and modeling so that your child is getting positive coaching from all sides! This book is especially powerful if your child has encountered bullying or demonstrates a desire to be a “peace maker” among their peer group.
My 12-year-old daughter has a friend who is what some parents might call a Drama Queen. Whenever something happens, her reaction is always over-the-top. Her reactions are so dramatic that sometimes her parents feel the need to calm their daughter down by saying, “Come on, it’s not that bad,” or “Seriously, don’t get so upset!” Having endured their fair share of stomping and door-slams, they have concluded that often the best approach is to not pay attention at all. None of these responses really “work.” In fact, she seems to escalate no matter what her parents do…or don’t do. So her family has simply concluded this is just her personality and they just try to deal with it.
If you have a son or a daughter that sounds a bit like this, it can be frustrating to be dealing with emotional outbursts and handling temper tantrums on a daily basis. Consider what you want when you have a problem: Do you want a quick solution? Do you like to be left alone to figure it out for yourself? Do you like to talk it over with someone? Do you want advice? Lectures? Probing questions?
When youngsters have emotional outbursts, in nearly every way, they are just like adults in terms of what they want and need. They come to the problem, however, with less cognitive maturity as well as less experience at putting their feelings into perspective and expressing them appropriately. Here are some suggestions for helping youngsters at all developmental stages learn to process emotions and feelings in a way that will teach them how to resolve these feelings for themselves:
HELP YOUNGSTERS WORK THROUGH THEIR EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS –
- Give full attention with direct eye contact and a smile or nod. No one likes someone to listen to them halfway.
Acknowledge what you hear with “Um-hmm?, Oh!” When people don’t want to talk, just simply let them know that you care and if they change their mind, you are there for them. Never push!
Give wishes in fantasy, such as “I bet you wish we could stay here all day!” Most of the time, the youngster just wants to know that you understand how they feel. This helps them accept unpleasant limits.
- Name the feeling and then put that feeling word in a sentence that connects with what happened. “It’s annoying when Johnny bothers you while you do your puzzle.” Youngster need to learn feeling words as much as they need to learn any other kind of word. To a child, if a feeling has a name it must mean it’s okay to feel it. This is reassuring, because negative emotions can be scary!
Remember that accepting feelings is different from allowing hurtful behavior or acting out those emotions. Tell your youngster, “It is okay to feel (feeling name), but it is not okay to (unacceptable behavior).” Then brainstorm options for what the child can do if the situation happens again.
It is not the parent’s job to figure the problem out and solve it for youngsters. A parent’s job is to help their child sort through their thoughts, feelings and emotions so they can figure out a solution to their own problem! One of the most valuable gifts you can give your child is the ability to critically think through a problem and solve it! High Five!
If you want more insights, information and practical tools and tips for parenting, then “LIKE” WISE Mind Solutions on Facebook and subscribe to http://wisemindsolutions.com
The Importance of WHAT and HOW
By Amy Fortney Parks, PhD-R
With the start of a new school year, it is a good time to think about WHAT we say to our youngsters and HOW it impacts their day-to-day experience, as well as their long-term success at school. Here are 10 tips for building self-esteem in children as they set off to a new year of learning and fun!
1. Encourage Patience and persistence – “You seem discouraged. Everyone makes mistakes! Let’s go over your mistakes together so that you’ll be able to avoid them next time.”
2. Emphasize what your child does right – “You’ve been doing great so far! Let’s see if we can work together to get you back on track.”
3. Promote planning – “Let’s break this project down into smaller, more manageable parts so that it doesn’t seem so overwhelming.”
4. Create conversations – “What was one of the things you learned today?” “What songs did you sing about in music class?” “What vegetables and fruit were in your lunch today?” “What equipment did you play with on the playground?”
5. Support self-expression and creativity – “You must have really worked hard to come up with such an original idea! The colors in that picture look so realistic!”
6. Craft constructive criticism – “Great! This report has many good ideas. You might consider arranging your thoughts to help the reader better understand your points.”
7. Compare your youngster’s progress to his/her own record – “Let’s not worry about your friend’s test grade. What’s important is your own efforts and achievements.”
8. Avoid labels – Off-handed comments are easily internalized by youngsters. DON’T say, “Joey never takes time to read directions.” “Sarah is a really shy girl.”
9. Focus on the here and now – “I’m pleased to see that you’ll be turning your project in on time.”
10. Continue to have high expectations – “It looks like a tough assignment, but with all that you have accomplished so far, I know you can do it!”