By Guest Contributor – Christina Henderson
Last week I started a four part series applying the principles of The Four Agreements to middle school girls. I was very humbled and overwhelmed by the positive feedback from the last post, so thank you for reading, liking and sharing.
This second agreement tells us not to take anything personally. In essence, it argues everything others do, say, think, and feel, is about their personal experience and worldview. We experience more hurt than necessary when we internalize other people’s stories about us.
And I agree with this fully…except for this nagging feeling that sometimes we say and do unkind things, even unintentionally, so when we are rejected or in conflict with others, sometimes there is need to consider our part.
So, here it is…the second translated agreement:
Agreement 2: Don’t take anything personally
Translation: It’s not about you, except when it is.
This whole idea of “it’s not about you” is a really tough one to wrap your head around, especially when we are rejected or bullied. Let me try to break down this concept:
Say a girl is having a tough time at home (her parents are divorcing, unloving, or under a lot of stress), or she secretly hates her body because it doesn’t look like girls on TV or like the popular girls at school, or she’s struggling with her grades, or had something really bad happen to her when she was younger that she hasn’t worked through yet. She might feel any of the following emotions (perhaps towards you, or perhaps just generally):
When we have trouble naming these emotions and communicating them in an effective way, or when communicating them won’t change anything anyways, we might resort to passive-aggressive or even downright aggressive behaviors:
So if you are on the receiving end of those passive-aggressive or aggressive behaviors, it can feel like it’s about you (because it is directed at you), but it is really about the other things happening for that particular girl.
It’s not just young people who do this. Us parents have bad days and might take our frustration out on you, teachers too. The bottom line is: When people are giving you a hard time, it’s not about you, it’s about what is going on inside them.
Why this is hard: Often when people don’t like us, reject us, are rude, or bully us, they are able to hit a nerve about an insecurity we already have about ourselves. It becomes easier to believe them and own their painful story of us. The goal then is to build a layer of self-protection so that we are able to shrug off other people’s bad behavior as a reflection of them, and not take it personally.
Adults, what can you do?
Here are 2 concepts you can consider/present to kids to help them deal with these issues:
Now let’s consider those times when maybe it is, actually about us…
Maybe you have been bragging a lot about getting straight A’s to a friend who struggles with school, or maybe you told a lie, or ditched someone for another friend at lunch. Probably, deep down you know you’ve done something that’s hurtful. It takes a lot of bravery to look at yourself and admit you’ve made a mistake.
Grown-ups, your girls will need a lot of support in the area of self-reflection because it can be a painful, vulnerable process… a lifelong one at that.
Some strategies to support self-reflection:
Good luck working through these complex concepts with your girls (and boys too, if it fits)! And parents, good luck not taking the emerging eye rolls, sass and attitude personally either! I’m sure that applying these principles and strategies will help your children feel more secure, confident, and grow in their friendships and their relationship with you.
Until next week,
About Christina Henderson:
Christina is a skilled, compassionate and ethical therapist who grounds her practice in narrative and person-centred approaches. Christina can be contacted at Christina@expressioncounselling.ca.
For Christina’s full bio and for more information about her practice, please visit http://www.expressioncounselling.ca/about.
We hope you enjoyed part 2 of the The Four Agreements for Middle School Girls. Get ready for part 3 next week, which tells us not to make assumptions! 🙂
“My friend raves about what Cleo has done for her son!” ~ Parent of an inquiring new client— Parent of an inquiring new client
“Dr. Amy brings together the best emotion-focused strategies with cutting-edge brain science to change the lives of children and families”— Parent of adopted twin girls
“I don’t think we could survive our kid without The Wise Family. Our clinician is so patient and such a compassionate person. She helps our child feel so in control of his body, and us so in control of our parenting.”— Parent of 6 year old client
“Oh my gosh, my daughter just thinks Grace is amazing and I am so glad that she has someone to talk to that isn’t me! She is so happy after her sessions! Thank you.”— Mom of 15 year old client